When Someone Dies
Bereavement
We will all have our own way of grieving and coping with loss according to our beliefs and culture, it is important to remember that the different emotions we experience are all part of the normal human process of grieving, and over the course of time whilst we begin to accept that some things will never be quite the same and we begin to learn gradually to adjust and accept our loss.
How bereavement can affect us
Bereavement is a very distressing experience which can leave us feeling emotionally and physically drained. When we lose someone, we love the body and mind is put under great strain and we can sometimes feel overwhelmed by the intensity of our feelings. There is usually major disruption to our normal functioning.
Some common symptoms are:
- Generally feeling low in mood
- Crying
- Feeling tired and exhausted
- Sleep and appetite problems
- Anxiety and feeling of panic
- Physical aches and pains
- Low immunity - easily picking up colds or other infections
- Social withdrawal
- Feelings of irritation or anger
- An existing problem or illness becoming worse
- Seeing or hearing the lost loved one
Following the death of a loved one there is a long period of acceptance and adjustment. All of us are different and the time taken for recovery will vary between individuals. Mourning the loss of someone takes many forms and it can include religious or cultural rituals as well as celebrating the life of the person with friends and family.
When we are going through such intense distress it can be difficult to accept that we can every find any pleasure in life again although most people do learn to adapt eventually.
Self help
We cannot take away the pain of losing someone, but we can try to help ourselves get through the grieving process. We may not feel like doing anything or looking after ourselves properly, but it can assist us to cope:
- Eat a healthy diet
- Take exercise
- Sleep and rest when you can
- Don't be too hard on yourself - treat yourself as you might treat a best friend
- Be careful with alcohol, sleeping tablets and other medication - they can become addictive
- Talk to others about your loss
- When you feel ready you may wish to reminisce and look at photos and objects special to you
- Remember everyone is different and there is no set time of recovery
Memories
It is normal to want to remember the person that has passed away. Some people have their own rituals and ceremonies according to their beliefs or culture.
Some people carry pictures or a special object with them. Many people remember the deceased by visiting their grave, lighting a candle, returning to a special place or listening to a favourite song There are numerous ways to remember and celebrate the life of the person that has passed - this can help the grieving process.
Difficulties moving on
Sometimes it can seem very difficult to accept loss. There are some things which can hold us back:
- Problems expressing grief
- Worries about the future
- Regrets and feelings of guilt or shame
- Conflict in relationships and families
- Financial worries
- Negative feelings towards the deceased
- Lack of support
- Lack of a body
- Prolonged anxiety if the death was suspicious in any way
Missing the funeral
All of the difficulties above that we have mentioned can be and seem overwhelming. This combined with being unable to be with a loved one at the time of the death and/or being unable to attend a funeral, can create intense reactions. Some people may feel in a constant turmoil with many different and often contradicting emotions engulfing them.
Wanting to have full closure and manage any personal affairs when someone passes away is a very common human longing.
For people who have been unable to comfort someone at the end of their life there may be a time of soul searching and could be feelings of regret.
For others, a sudden or suspicious death may bring many unanswered questions and may make the grieving process more difficult.
Helping others
Many people find it uncomfortable being with a bereaved person. It can be hard to know what to say but just listening and trying to understand helps a great deal.
- Allow the bereaved person space to talk and express their feelings - just be yourself.
- Try not to give answers or say, “I know how you feel”. We are all different and feelings are unique.
- Offer to help with day to day practicalities - just shopping or cooking takes away some of the pressure.
- Be aware that special dates can trigger off intense emotions and that the bereaved person may want to reminisce about.
Remember to take care of yourself - you cannot help others if you become exhausted yourself.
What can we learn from bereavement?
No one can avoid bereavement. We would rather not go through such a painful experience. Great loss is the price paid for loving someone - for most people it is worth the heartache.
Bereavement can also help us focus on what is really important in life and assist us in living in the “here and now” rather than in the past. It can also highlight our own mortality and allow us to re-evaluate our own priorities.
Although we all know that death is inevitable for all of us one day when it happens to someone, we love the pain can be hard to describe.
Everyday someone, somewhere loses a partner, friend, family member, parent or pet. The bereaved will all share the sadness and loss and they will also have their own unique experience of grief, as well as treasured memories.
Counselling
You may want to speak confidentially with a counsellor. Counselling can help people to accept loss and adapt to the new situation.
For most us a period of grieving and some time to reflect on our loss is helpful before counselling begins. Counselling can provide a safe environment where strong emotions can be expressed without judgement or fear.
Should you require any support this can be accessed through the company benefits scheme perkbox, the Employee assistance programme and your own GP.
Suicide
Losing someone who has taken their own life is a particularly shattering experience. Feelings of guilt, shame, regret, remorse and depression are common. Some people are fearful that others may be judging or blaming them because they did not prevent the suicide - others feel ashamed and embarrassed.
Avoiding the subject is a common response to suicide and many people withdraw from friends and family not knowing what to say to do or say.
Usually, there are more questions than answers and a period of going over the days or months before the suicide trying desperately to understand the motives of our loved one.
There can be a huge range of emotions from the obvious sadness of the loss to intense anger and irritation.
Whatever the circumstances are it is important to seek out support and talk about your feelings if you can. Looking after yourself as you go through the grieving and healing process is also essential to recovery.
Consult your line manager or counselling services if you need support for yourself or want to help someone else.
Loss of a pet
For many of us the death of a pet is just as distressing as the death of a person. Pets are a very important part of many people's lives, providing unconditional love and affection.
People can form very close emotional attachments to animals. They become part of the family and when they die, we can feel a very profound sadness and loss.
Helping children to cope with death
Children can show similar symptoms to adults when someone dies. There can also be added problems - bed-wetting, aches and pains, difficulties sleeping or extreme mood and behaviour changes.
These symptoms are a normal part of grief for many children and like adults they need to be understood and given time to go through these stages. It is not easy to talk to a child about death or dying. Although, it is important to be honest and straightforward - this helps to lessen anxiety and confusion.
All relevant studies show that children who were taught honestly and sensitively about death are much more able to cope with bereavement as adults. The way we talk to children and the language we use needs to be appropriate to their age.
- Keep discussions simple.
- Be clear and answer any questions they have as best you can.
- Remember to accept their feelings and reassure them that both adults and children feel sad or angry and that it is normal.
- Reassuring them that the sadness will not last, can bring some comfort.
You can talk to them about the funeral or burial ceremony. Whether you and your children decide to attend or not, children like to be included and feel loved if they are part of the family discussions. It also takes away some of the tension and shows them that death does not have to be a taboo subject or something they cannot deal with.
There are no hard and fast rules about this - it remains a very personal issue. Although, children usually want to remember the deceased and say goodbye in their own way so it's important to discuss this with them.
Most children improve with time but if you are concerned talk to your doctor or consult a counsellor.
Death of a child
More than any other loss, in many cases, the death of a child brings the ultimate sadness. It reverses our whole expectation - children know that one day their parents will die - parents do not expect to see their children die before them.
The strength of emotions can overwhelm us - the shock and trauma may be prolonged. There can be complete despair and suffering that cannot be described or expressed. Parents often blame themselves - thinking they should have or could have protected their children better/more- even if in their heart of hearts, they know this was not possible.
Relationships can also be deeply affected, and some couples struggle to understand or support their partner. Where there are complex family dynamics - stepparents or step-children - this can be particularly difficult to handle. As with any devastating loss there will be many stages of emotions to live through and for a long time simply trying to get through each day will be hard enough.
Some parents experience severe depression and may need the help of a medical professional to support them through this time. Many parents also go through a very painful process trying to imagine what their child's life may have been - this is especially hurtful when anniversaries come around and when other children in the family grow up into adulthood. Even when months and years have passed, we can only ever adjust to the new situation as best we can.
We may need help outside our family and friends - if you need extra support and a safe place to express your feelings support is available.
Miscarriage
A miscarriage is obviously a great loss which brings tremendous sadness and grief. What should have been a time of celebration in looking forward to a new baby turns into a time of grieving.
Unfortunately, miscarriage is still quite common, and many women find themselves shocked that such a thing can happen to them in our modern age of scientific advances and generally good health care.
The intensity of feelings resulting from a miscarriage is not always fully understood by others. It is important to remember that everyone's response is unique and that you need to give yourself enough time to grieve.
Some women may experience intense feelings at the time of the loss - others may not fully grieve until the date their baby was due.
If there are other children in the family explaining a miscarriage can be difficult but it is important to be honest and answer any questions they might have. It is useful to talk to your partner about this and think through the words you want to use according to the age of your child. Children react in many ways to loss and it is important to accept their responses and allow them to talk about their feelings if they want to.
Men can equally have very intense reactions to the loss of a baby. As well as the obvious sadness and feelings of loss they may also experience distress that there is nothing they can do and may feel inadequate in supporting their wife or partner. There may be further stresses placed upon men whilst they try to continue with their work, take care of children and organise the household.
Some useful things to remember:
- It takes time to come through any loss especially that of an expected new life.
- Keep as healthy as possible - a balanced diet, exercise, relaxation, and sleep can help through the process.
- Accept help and support whilst you recover.
- Talk about your loss to your partner and children as you feel necessary - exclusion of other family members can lead to difficulties later.
- Be aware that some things may awaken further feelings of sadness - seeing pregnant mothers or babies for example or simply being reminded of birthdays or special celebrations in the family.
Usually, as time goes on, parents do learn to live with their loss and get back to a “normal” life. However, if you feel that you become depressed and that these feelings continue or worsen over a long period of time contact your doctor or call your EAP counselling service.
Sudden or traumatic death
If you have experienced a sudden loss you may find that the shock and distress does last for some time. When someone's death is completely 'out of the blue' there are often unanswered questions, and feelings of incomprehension.
Where the legal system is involved in deaths, such as, suicide or murder, stress may continue for months making the situation even more difficult for colleagues, families, and friends.
There are specialised support groups and bereavement trauma counselling that can be utilised, along with seeking advice from your GP. Further reading and guidance is also available via the links below.
