Domestic Violence
If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation read on and find out how you can get support for yourself or others.
What is domestic violence?
Domestic violence can come in many forms and vary in severity. The main indicator of an abusive relationship is control and fear.
- The abuser tries to control humiliate and instill fear into his or her partner preventing them from making any adult choices about their life or having any individual freedom or identity.
- Often the abuser will have violent mood swings and will not be able to discuss things in a rational way.
- Abusers can be very critical of their partner's appearance or behaviour - this can lead to verbal or physical threats.
- Abusers often try to isolate their partners and stop them from having any form of social life outside the relationship.
It is important to remember that no-one has the right to verbally or physically abuse another person no matter what the circumstances may be. A common reaction from both men and women is to blame themselves, feel guilty and humiliated and try to sort out the problem themselves. Many victims feel too ashamed to ask for help.
Are you being abused?
Domestic violence can start in quite small ways then grow to more serious threats and assaults. It may also come out of the blue and escalate very quickly into life threatening violence.
The following behaviours are indicators of an abusive relationship.
If you or someone you know may be at risk speak to someone that can advise you. i.e.) a counsellor. If the risk is immediate always call the Police.
- Any kind of verbal abuse or threats to you or your children.
- Persistent lying, denials or disrespect.
- Controlling your personal life.
- Trying to isolate you from other people.
- Using physical power and other intimidation tactics.
- Forcing you to have sex or using sexual violence.
- Using any humiliating tactic to demean your sexuality, culture, religion or beliefs.
- Any physical violence.
The complex nature of abuse
Some people find it hard to understand why men and women who are being abused cannot simply leave the relationship, fight back or just call the Police.
Domestic violence is a very complex issue and there are many reasons why some men and women cannot help themselves or get support.
- The circle of abuse - abuse can be a vicious circle of violence, forgiveness then trying to make a relationship work. This is set against a pattern of slowly eroding a person's confidence and self esteem. Due to the huge range of differing emotions involved men and women are often left feeling confused, ashamed and frightened yet can continue to hope things will change for quite some time.
- Isolation - some men and women have no social support network or feel they cannot tell anyone, The nature of domestic violence is such that abusers will try any means possible to cut off their partners from other people.
- Fear and threats - many victims of domestic violence have been further abused and some killed after leaving their relationship.
Some abusers threaten to hunt down their partner and their children thus increasing the fear of leaving. Staying in a relationship as a way of protecting children is a common experience.
- Belief systems - some men and women feel obliged to stay in a relationship due to their beliefs. There can also be pressure from the family or community to make the relationship or marriage work.
- Finances - some people have great difficulty breaking free if they are financially dependent upon a partner or spouse.
- Education - for some people, particularly those with language difficulties or a lack of general education, it may not be possible to access the appropriate support.
Staying in an abusive relationship
You may decide that the best thing to do right now is to stay with your partner.
If so have a safety plan ready. This is especially important if you think your children are at risk.
- If the violence escalates use whatever means you can to calm the situation until you can leave.
- Have an escape route in mind
- Carry a mobile phone at all times.
- Tell neighbours and friends of your situation.
- Get advice from the local Police - they have Domestic Violence Units and will be able to advise you.
- Know the nearest refuge and memorise the number.
- Try to have some money saved that only you can access and an overnight bag with essentials for you and your children
If you decide to leave
Where you go depends upon your own individual circumstances and finances and talking through your options with one of our Consultants will help you decide what is best for you and any family members you want to take with you.
Safety
If you do move to another address be cautious about giving out any information.
- Remember you need to protect yourself and if you have children talk to them and help them understand the situation.
- Changing bank accounts may be necessary.
- If your partner has access to your children - make sure meetings are in a safe place.
- You might also want to think about security and safety in general - alarm system - telephone security screening- carrying a personal alarm - carrying a mobile phone with emergency numbers recorded in the memory system
- keeping important documents under lock and key
Important things to remember
- No one has the right to abuse you. Violence in any relationship is never acceptable.
- Whatever you decide to do there is always help available.
- Many men and women have suffered domestic violence and have survived.
Will I ever have a normal life?
There is life after domestic violence and many people have gone on to have healthy and happy relationships despite the betrayal and distress they have suffered. It may take some time to heal your hurt feelings and you may never forget your experiences. After a time many people discover a freedom and independence which was denied them for years. Often people ask themselves if they will ever be happy again or worry that they will experience the same abuse in a different relationship.
These thoughts are a normal part of the process and the truth is that we can never be sure about what will happen in life.
